In Dating and Sexual Confidence Series Part 1 -3, I talk a little bit about how our experiences teach us to react and to respond to the patterns of behavior we encounter from others even though many of these patterns of behaviour are in response to our own inner struggles. Consciously or unconsciously, we elicit emotional responses and create emotional experiences that correspond with our own inner states. Most of us cannot distinguish between what comes from within us and what is imposed on us from outside. Sometimes we are aware of what is happening but remain unable to immediately recognize or do anything about it.
And many of us would like to change our inner world, however the dilemma many singles who are in the process of working on their inner game have is: As you heal or make radical changes in your inner life, should you put dating and relationships in the back burner until you are ready or until your self-esteem is up?.
Rational thinking says that we should first work through our inner stuff before we go out and date. This is all good and it's "protecting" us in some way. But there is an angel to this that is often overlooked.
Our self esteem is directly linked to our social competency, that is, how we hold up in our social surroundings. It is shaped by how well we get along with others and by how well we understand and respond to our ever-changing interpersonal demands. You can not fight the fear of rejection, disapproval and failure by isolating yourself and avoiding contact with others until you are ready because you need social contact to develop social competency.
Socially competent people know how to easily move from person to person, or group to group, seemingly relaxed and at ease, regardless of whether they are talking, listening or doing.
Building self- esteem therefore inevitably requires that you interact with others in order for you to master relaxed social effortlessness.
Here are a few pointers on how you can build your social competence and become a confident person even as you work through your inner stuff.
1. Reach out to others learn to ask for one-on-one time with members of your family, friends, and colleagues etc
2. Interact with others without drawing negative attention to yourself - avoid unnecessary arguments, avoid putting others down, give undivided attention, be empathetic etc.
3. Learn practical ways to resist social pressures in a manner that is liberating try to see both sides of everything, see the world through the other persons eyes.
4. Keep your mind on your strengths and good qualities a lot of your fear of rejection is a result of your mind re-running over and over like little movies what you consider to be your failures, weakness, faults, inadequacies etc.
5. Treat mistakes as learning experiences- try not to overreact when you think youve made a social goof, do not blame others but most of all do not blame yourself.
I've found that when lonely people rid themselves of their loneliness, they almost immediately begin attracting the very kind of people who previously would have avoided them. This in turn increases their self confidence and inevitably self esteem.
So feel the fear and go out there and date anyway!
Do not forget to read Dating and Sexual Confidence Series Part 5 - Dating Outside The Box. In here I explain how you can RECLAIM THE POWER over your love/life by exploring who else can be your type .
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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